Sunday, October 23, 2016

Imaginary Conversation This Morning with Mike and Bob Stoops

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following conversation is entirely fictional and does not represent the views of Mike or Bob Stoops or for that matter David Boren or the University of Oklahoma. It is strictly intended for the humor of OU fans who remember when we used to play defense.

Location: Norman, Oklahoma.
Scene:  Bob Stoops kitchen table Sunday, October 23. Approximately 9:30 a.m.

Participants: Brothers Mike Stoops, Oklahoma defensive coordinator; and Bob Stoops, big brother, boss and head coach of University of Oklahoma football team.

MIKE: "Hi big bro!"
BOB: "Hi, Mike. Have a seat."

MIKE: "Am I in trouble?"
BOB: "Well, no, not exactly. I just..."
MIKE: "Whew! That's good news!"

BOB: "What do you have behind your back?"
MIKE: "My Fruit Loops."

BOB: "What?"
MIKE: "My Fruit Loops. I always have a bowl of Fruit Loops for breakfast on Sunday mornings."
BOB: "So you brought your cereal over to my house?"
MIKE: "Well, yea. I like my routines. By the way, can I borrow some milk?"
BOB: "What? You don't have any milk at your house? I pay you $1.2 million to coach my defense and you can't afford to go buy milk?"
MIKE: "I was going to but I didn't have time last week to go to the Reasor's."
BOB: "What the hell were you doing all week?"
MIKE: "Watching West Virginia game film."
BOB: "What? We played Texas Tech!"
MIKE: "I know but we couldn't stop Tech any way so I thought why bother watching game film. I wanted to be prepared for the Mountaineers. I know how much you hate Dana Holgorsen!"

BOB: "Ok. Whatever. Listen Mike. We've got some problems on defense..."
MIKE: "I know but nothing a 66 point offensive outburst can't cure, right big bro'?"
BOB: "Look, we're now ranked 127th out of 128 teams in pass defense..."
MIKE: "But we're #37 against the rush!"
BOB: "Who wants to run when we suck so bad in pass defense?"
MIKE: "We're ahead of Arizona State!"

BOB: "What can we do to fix your defense?"
MIKE: "Oh, now it's "MY" defense. So much for we're in this together!"
BOB: "You know I love you like a brother..."
MIKE: "I am your brother!"
BOB: "I know that but we've got to do something. People are getting antsy."
MIKE: "Antsy. Who? Boren? Castiglione? We own those guys!"
BOB: "Listen, you have got to make some changes."
MIKE: "I mixed it up a bit last night."
BOB: "When?"
MIKE: "We changed our pre-game playlist on Spotify. Bon Jovi for Kings of Leon."
BOB: "What?"

MIKE: "I know it hurts to play so bad. I was here when we were good. Remember 2000 against Nebraska?"
BOB: "I do but this is 2016. The game has changed. Some people are saying the game has passed you by."
MIKE: "It's not so much different. The name of the game is still blocking and tackling."
BOB: "But you're not doing anything in pass coverage. We were a school-worst last night and that includes John Blake!"
MIKE: "Ok. Ok. I hate it when you make those comparisons. That's pretty low, bro!"

BOB: "Just change some things for Saturday, ok?"
MIKE: "Who do we play Saturday?"
BOB: "Kansas."
MIKE: "Whew. I thought it was someone good."
BOB: "You have got to start taking this seriously."
MIKE: "Geez, Louise. Sense of humor?"
BOB: "What's it going to be? Scheme? Personnel? What?"
MIKE: "Can I have Mixon?"
BOB: "What?"
MIKE: "Lincoln O'Riley doesn't need him! Besides, why does he get all the good players on offense?"
BOB: "You can't have Mixon. And he doesn't have all the players on offense. You recruited your guys. You reap what you sow."
MIKE: "Ok. How about if I go without linebackers? Kind of like we did against West Virginia in 2012?"
BOB: "You gave up 700 yards rushing to a receiver that night."
MIKE: "So. Mr. Picky, I remind you we won that game 50-49. Those were the good ole' days."

BOB: "Listen, Mike. This is serious. People are starting to notice..."
MIKE: "I know. Did you see that OU administrator guy hugging O'Riley after the game? Shameful. He's a traitor right under your nose. On enemy territory no less, too!"
BOB: "No, that's not the problem. Your defense is the problem and I can't cover for you much longer..."
MIKE: "Oh, why Mr. Smarty Pants? Didn't you see the Big 12 choke last week on the expansion thingy?"
BOB: "We can't worry about things we can't control..."
MIKE: "Hello. Anyone home? Don't you get it? We've got another 8 seasons in this sucko-league. We can mask our mediocrity for another 6 or so Big 12 titles. It gives me time to grow my winery."
BOB: "You have a winery?"
MIKE: "Yep. You don't know everything about me."
BOB: "What kind of wine?"
MIKE: "Boones Farm! I have a merlot and chardonnay!"

MIKE: "What time is it?"
BOB: "Don't you wear a watch?"
MIKE: "No. Well, not anymore. I "lost" it after the Ohio State game. Speaking of, did you see ole' master Urban No-Meyer last night? He sure got his, didn't he?"
BOB: "We can't worry about other coaches what about us?"
MIKE: "What is the time?"
BOB: "It's 10:30. Why?"
MIKE: "I have to go."
BOB: "Where in the hell do you have to be at 10:30 on a Sunday morning that's more important than our futures?"
MIKE: "It's Andy Griffith marathon Sunday on Norman Cable. Today is the one where Barney takes Otis with him and Thelma on a picnic at the lake! It's my favorite episode!"
BOB: "Ok. Get the hell out of here. But our futures are numbered unless you fix our defense!"
MIKE: "No prob big bro! I got this!"